“Parents are so all-in with their kids’ activities and the culture of achievement that they scarcely realize they are sacrificing their family culture in the process,” Cristina D’Averso-Collins, Director of the Diocese of Metuchen’s Office of Family Life, shared with us the other day. “And if they’re immersed in non-stop resume-building activities for their kids, how do even begin to find the off-ramp?”
In the fourth week of the month, when we focus with you on Family Culture, Level 4 of your Trinity House, her observation and question provide a jumping-off point. To paraphrase Tolstoy, “All overly busy, kid-resume-building families are alike; each peaceful family is peaceful in its own way.”
We’re saying that to be provocative. Truth be told, most families—ourselves included—are swerving back and forth across this spectrum of busyness and peace on a weekly, daily or even hourly basis. In the weeks before Christmas, our family culture seemed to be splintered as we juggled end-of-year concerts, social gatherings, and more. Then it seemed to coalesce again through long hours together during the Christmas season.
But Cristina’s penetrating question about the off-ramp still begs our reflection. As the new year is still fresh, consider joining us in this “examination of conscience” with regard to your family’s busyness:
1 | Begin with your family’s mission statement. No family can make coherent decisions about another sport, club, instrument, etc., if the mission and vision are not clear. Our heavenward path to holiness is the mission of every family. Get back to that bedrock. Looking for a mission statement? Pope St. John Paul II put it so beautifully here: “[T]he family has the mission to guard, reveal and communicate love, and this is a living reflection of and a real sharing in God’s love for humanity and the love of Christ the Lord for the Church, his bride. Every particular task of the family is an expression and concrete actuation of that fundamental mission” (Familiaris Consortio, 17).
2 | Articulate your family’s discernment process for taking on new activities and commitments. If you find something you like on Amazon, you probably don’t immediately hit “buy now”; you have a process, a way in which the virtue of restraint can tame and sift through your initial desires. Likewise, every family needs a clear process for discerning new activities.
3 | Safeguard your Sundays (see the Third Commandment) and family dinners like your life depended on it. No joke. It seems that you blink…and suddenly your first five, ten or fifteen years with your child are over. Social science research attests to the fact that time at the dinner table with parents (screen-free) correlates to a host of long-term benefits ranging from educational success to stronger marriages, emotional health, and financial well-being. Not to mention, a far higher likelihood that our children will embrace their faith in Jesus Christ far beyond the walls of our home. Sundays lived differently—together as a family in communion, rooted in the Eucharist and worship, enjoying one another’s presence—and family meals are the oxygen for Family Culture; without these hours together, our families become collections of independent people living under the same roof.
4 | Parents, set the tone by putting your commitments under the microscope. It just might be that “good” but ultimately less important goods are cluttering your attention, time, and focus; in the process, your Family Culture is suffering or just not everything it could be. This pruning may sting. It may lead to a season of “desolation” as you surrender your desire to veg in front of another show or to be overly available via email or text to your colleagues. But a far greater consolation awaits as your Family Culture becomes more vibrant and life-giving.
Maybe there is no off-ramp from busy if by “busy” we mean the constant, 24/7 churn of attending to our children’s needs, forming them in the faith and in virtue, and savoring our time with them. But if by “busy” we mean a distracted life spent frenetically pursuing goods of this or that sport or enrichment at the expense of our family’s deepening communion and our Family Culture, then we need to find the off-ramp—and we need to find it yesterday.
You don’t need us to tell you: Too much is at stake. Tempus fugit. And all the trophies, certificates, and championships in the world won’t mean that much at the end of the day if we have lost the taste of what it means to be together; to linger; to listen to one another, and in this listening, hear the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit in our family’s midst.
And then, to lift all of this quiet and hidden glory of daily family life back up to Him, from whom we received it in the first place. What an inexpressibly beautiful gift and privilege has been entrusted to us!
> If you’re familiar with the Heaven in Your Home Flowchart, you know that the 3 Keys for Level 4 are the Family Meal (key practice), the Kitchen Table (key place), and Initiative (key principle). Here’s a deep dive on the key principle: “Initiative & Family Culture.”
> For a refreshing perspective on the ravages of busyness in family life, check out this podcast interview with Tim Carney, author of Family Unfriendly: How Our Culture Made Raising Kids Much Harder Than It Needs to Be.
> On “Getting Sunday Right: Family Rediscovers the Power of the Sabbath” (Crux News) includes some great insights, including this: “So Sunday is about rest, but it’s a resting in the Lord, not just resting from activity.” And this: “It requires a shift in mindset. It’s a reorientation to who I am, what I am created for, and who I am in God’s plan.”
> Looking for some new tools and inspiration for your family? Join our free upcoming Heaven in Your Home Workshop (webinar) on Tues., Feb. 4th, at 7 pm, sponsored by the Diocese of Metuchen! We’ll share a whirlwind tour of the 5 levels of your Trinity House and enjoy a conversation and Q & A with participants. Register here.
> Congrats to St. Rita Catholic School in Alexandria, VA for their 90-person+ (around 40 parents and at least 50 energetic kids!) launch last Saturday of their Trinity House Community Group (the 15th in the Diocese of Arlington and 34th nationwide)! Here are a few photos of the evening:
> A big word of thanks to Dr. Andrew Abela, Dean of the Busch School of Business at Catholic University of America and author of Super Habits: The Universal System for a Successful Life, for spending an evening last week at Trinity House Cafe + Market. Check out Kalorama Studios’ highlight video from the evening here, and consider blessing your Trinity House by reading this fresh and inspiring take on the virtues.
> 34 parishes. 14 states. The Trinity House model for family life is blessing more and more families. Our Trinity House team will host an exhibitor table at a number of upcoming diocesan conferences, and we’re scheduling webinars, mini-workshops, and Lenten talks for parish and diocesan groups (Zoom or in-person) for this Spring. Interested? Share your idea or question at our book a talk link here.
> Mark your calendars and bring your entire family to enjoy one of the upcoming Trinity House Community Gatherings, including:
- Fri. Jan 31st at the Basilica of St. Mary in Alexandria, VA
- Sat. Feb. 8th at St. Joseph in Herndon, VA
- Sat. Feb. 8th at St. Theresa in Ashburn, VA
- Sat. Feb. 15th at Our Lady of Mercy in Manchester, NH
Would you like to take your family to one of these upcoming Gatherings? Just check the parish website to learn more, or drop us a line and we’ll be happy to put you in touch!
> Plan now to launch your own parish’s Trinity House Community Group this year! Learn more here and schedule a 15-minute call/zoom with our team here. For $499, your parish can access all the tools needed to host 5 transformative “Heaven in Your Home Gatherings” for families, including videos, discussion questions, marketing templates, catechetical resources, ongoing support, and more. Dioceses can also take advantage of three subscriptions for just $999. Ready to subscribe and launch a Group at your parish? Here’s where you can take the first step.
“The vision and work of Trinity House Community is a breath of fresh air! THC’s Heaven in Your Home Letters are a wonderful resource to help us harmonize all our relationships as God intended and as we seek to further God’s kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.”
– Scott Bolinder, Co-Founder, Institute for Bible Reading
