What if we told you that we know of a
simple set of practices proven to decrease children’s anxiety and behavioral problems, while strengthening their identity in Christ?
Read on, because we found it. And it’s downright enjoyable.
In the second week of each month, we turn our focus to the 2
nd level of your Trinity House,
Person & Relationships.
The practices we have in mind are like rocket fuel for Level 2, which is all about developing identity and family bonds. And as you know, your family bonds have the potential to reflect the interpersonal communion of the Holy Trinity in a stunning way.
But first, the bad news.
Recent
studies reveal that one in three Americans cannot name all their grandparents.
When asked about great-grandparents, only 17 percent can name one great-grandparent; 57 percent can’t name any great-grandparent. Such a shallow understanding of roots, it stands to reason, reveals a weak “interpersonal communion” between the generations of a family.
OK, we won’t depress you further! Suffice it to say, this needs to be an issue for the Christian family today for three reasons:
- Knowledge of your family tree means healthier children. As Sue Shellenbarger of the Wall Street Journal reports, “In a 2008 study, researchers at Emory quizzed 40 youngsters ages 10 to 14 on 20 family-history questions, such as how their parents met or where their grandparents grew up. Those who answered more questions correctly showed, on separate assessments, less anxiety and fewer behavior problems.”
- Intergenerational stories strengthen identity. “Intergenerational stories anchor youngsters as part of a larger group, helping them develop a sense of identity,” Shellenbarger writes.
- A stronger understanding of your family roots means a more intuitive grasp of the “communion of saints.” It’s common sense, but any child who can place himself or herself within the sweep of their family’s history will possess the conceptual tools to understand the beauty and reality of the family of saints who have gone before us, marked with the sign of faith.
In our home, we treasure a family photo gallery wall (pictured above) with the faces of our ancestors looking out at us from as far back as the late 1800s. If our kids choose to do so, for example, they can pause on their way upstairs to see a photo of one of their great-great-grandmothers who emigrated from Sweden at the age of 12, and whose Bible graces a shelf in our home. Or they can stop to return the stoic gaze of an Irish-born great-great-grandfather.
For many of us, this era of COVID-19 means more time at home and more time for family meals. If this sounds like you,
leverage this additional time to give your children the gift of rootedness—in their family heritage, and in the family of saints. From our own experience, we would suggest prioritizing three practices:
- Display your family photos. “Out of sight, out of mind” should not describe our day-to-day interaction with generations past. Change this by investing time and resources in proudly displaying your family photos going back as far as you can through the generations. We enjoy adding photos to a sprawling wall of photos along our staircase, as well as throughout the home.
- Tell family stories…especially at the dinner table. Face-to-face storytelling is an art which we have the chance to renew now; if we do, we will see that it can be far more powerful and attractive to our children than social media. “If I had to leave the children with one or two stories,” psychology professor Dr. Robyn Fivush advises us to ask ourselves, “what are the ones I would want them to know?” Tell those one or two stories, and then keep adding to your repertoire. As you do, recall the importance of memory and God’s “family stories” at the deepest level of your faith: He commanded the Israelites to “recount to your children and your children’s children” (Ex. 10:2) all that He had done.
- Display family heirlooms and your family tree. If you have family Bibles or other heirlooms, display them and make them accessible to your children, in addition to your family tree. The worn leather of a great-grandmother’s Bible, or her markings in the margins, can surprise you or your children with inspiration and gratitude at just the right moment.
We are blessed to have chairs which once graced the kitchen table of Soren’s great-grandparents, as well as a piano and china inherited from Ever’s great-grandmothers. It’s cozy proximity like this—to chairs, photos, Bibles, and the stories about them all—which
we hope and pray will impart to our children a resilient gratitude for their roots, and the living faith of their forebearers. “The past is never dead,” as William Faulkner put it so well. “It’s not even past.”
Heaven in Your Home ToolkitGreater knowledge of our family tree can even lead to healing from wounds, sin, and the unhealthy relational habits which families too often pass down from one generation to the next. We’ve both been personally blessed by the work and ministry of Beverly Hubble Tauke, and strongly recommend her
Healing Your Family Tree: A Destiny-Changing Journey Toward Freedom, Forgiveness, and Healthier Relationships (on Amazon).
The Secret Benefits of Retelling Family Stories by Sue Shellenbarger in the
Wall Street Journal, offers a good introduction to this topic.
Grandparents: Keepers of the Family’s Stories, by Deacon Gary and Kay Aitchison in an article at
For Your Marriage, includes over 10 practical ideas such as family cookbooks and fieldtrips to family historical sites. They write, “Maintaining and passing on the family stories is a precious gift that grandparents can give to their children.”
In
Focus on the Family’s The Power of Your Story, Ed Chinn writes, “Our family stories carry the imprint of God’s destiny and love.”
In
Telling Family Stories: Why Capturing Family Memories Matters for
Leadership Story Lab, Esther Choy reports that “Children who have the most confidence have a sense of ‘intergenerational self’ and ‘They know they belong to something bigger than themselves.'”
Check out Soren’s current column in the
Arlington Catholic Herald, “
To Pray as a Family.” “If there’s one thing my wife and I have learned since COVID-19 hit,” he writes, “it’s that the ‘stirrings’ in our home on any given day will be legion — and that every day we fail to invite God’s graces in morning prayer is a day we play with fire.” Also, apropos of this week’s theme, enjoy
What Our Bibles Say About Us, a column which describes Soren’s great-grandmother’s Bible.
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Heaven In Your Home livestream — it was awesome and much needed! I’m
very excited to put ‘welcome, listen, serve’ into practice! With three teens and three little ones, this was just what my husband and I needed to get us
back on track and to see how the distractions are leading us away from heaven in our home. Very insightful and wonderful talks. Keep up the great and important work!” Erin Dausch, Leesburg, VA
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