When they were teenagers, Ever and her sisters developed a system they called “hashing and rehashing.” Whenever someone had a bad experience or even just a tough day, there’d be another sister willing to sit down and hear about it—and then hear about it some more if necessary. Many are the problems that were processed in this way!

These days, the eight Horan girls don’t have as much time to sit around gabbing and many issues that would have once gripped them are easily set aside. But for the biggies, hashing still prevails. And as spouses, we do the same for each other.

This habit of sharing emotions and processing problems is so ingrained that as parents we promoted it without thinking much about it. And yet, we also learned that if you don’t have seven share-y sisters, this habit can be much more difficult to develop.

In fact, especially with boys, a natural impulse to keep negative things quiet and hidden—call it the “pack it down” strategy—can easily prevail. When this happens, our children can lose the opportunity of learning how to share in a healthy way when the stakes are fairly low. Before long, they could face the detrimental effects of keeping harmful thoughts and experiences inside, where a loved one’s healing interest can’t reach them.

People are made to grow by sharing and collaborating within a communion of persons, and when we keep opportunities for growth to ourselves, a certain stuntedness can set in. Unprocessed, “un-metabolized,” and unseen, a child’s challenging experience (e.g., being teased, getting a bad grade, feeling unaccepted) can be like a fly in amber, frozen in time. Anger, resentment, sadness, and even despair can take root in a place where no love-light is shining, where no winds of a different perspective can sweep them away.

As you know, interpersonal sharing is at the heart of our Trinity Houses, where being there for each other is how we image God. Without bonding with our loved ones over the meaningful stuff of life, the communion within our Trinity House is a pale version of what it could be. And without bonding deeply with others, we can be delayed on our path to union with Jesus.

In “Wanted: Empathic Witness,” we looked at how this interpersonal sharing works in the spousal relationship. But what about with our kids? Here are a few tips for how to make sure your children are gradually climbing this very important learning curve:

• Put the phone down and make a sincere attempt to really connect one-on-one with each of your children, daily. If you’re looking for a starter … consider asking about highs and lows. 

• Set the tone: Model the kind of “hashing and rehashing” or deep listening that you want your family to have. If sharing your feelings doesn’t come naturally, don’t beat yourself up. Just make some small attempts to verbalize—in one-on-ones, at the dinner table, during family prayer—an experience you had during your day. 

• Recognize that when your child comes to you to process something, you have just received a VIP Pass and your #1 job is to listen (and not problem-solve…at least not yet). If we miss, ignore, or decline these VIP Passes, our children won’t come to us with their issues. They’ll look elsewhere. So be attentive. 

• Take a deep breath: You don’t need to have the answers. In our experience, many issues and problems simply “solve themselves” through the mere act of listening. The “hashing and rehashing” may feel “unproductive” at the moment, but it is profoundly “productive” insofar as you are allowing your child to build neural pathways and own his or her path forward. 

Earlier in our journey of parenting, we recall a conversation with friend and The Temperament God Gave You co-author Art Bennett. To paraphrase: he observed that at that time, we were in the “rock star” phase of parenting, when the kids came running to us at every minute of the day. 

He laughed as he then said that the time will come when you walk through the door and no one comes running. Maybe they’re in their room…  In that phase, he shared, it’s vital to keep taking the first step and “lowering the drawbridge” in consistent, generous, and loving ways, so that the tween or teen knows you are there—ready to hash and rehash at a moment’s notice. 

Whether you’re currently a rock star parent or a drawbridge parent, give thanks! God has called you and equipped you as the premiere instrument of His love for your child.