Last week we took our high school senior out to breakfast to celebrate his last day of class and his college decision for this fall. The tab for some pancakes, eggs and bacon? About $20 per person at the local diner—a total which maxed out the eating out category in our budget app.

As we dropped him off at school, swelling with parental pride at the young man he’s becoming, we also experienced a little wave of anxiety. While we’ve budgeted for the upcoming costs of graduation announcements, gifts, and a party, along with all the other summer costs of vacations and camps, money matters can still cause a default reaction.
 
Stressed. Anxious. Obsessive. Avoidant. Controlling. These are just some of the ways we can react to daily decisions about money. While some among us were formed with a healthy relationship to money and can breathe easy around these issues, others struggle to find their footing in what can feel like a weekly trip across a minefield.
 
In the marriage prep we did with a priest nearly 25 years ago, we recall answering and discussing some questions about money. We each did the assigned “family inventory” surrounding the role of money in our upbringing. This was all fine and good—but if grace builds on nature, then the reality was simply that our “natural” aptitude with money left something to be desired.
 
As with so many couples, we developed some patterns in those early years that we wouldn’t recommend:  

• procrastinating about making a family budget…and then procrastinating about doing regular meetings to stay on top of it once we did make one;

• saying “we deserve this (some impulse purchase)” in light of the daily stress we felt;

• shame and regret about “lost time,” when we took our eyes off finances;

• not reaching out for help on financial planning.   

If you’ve read our Heaven in Your Home Letters & Guide, participated in a Trinity House Community Group, or taken our workshop, then you know that we single out the evil one’s number one strategy to destroy marriage and families: break down the bonds between loved ones. No bonds = no communion, and no Trinity House.

In this context, it’s no wonder that financial stress is one of the lead drivers of division, discord, and even divorce. Making mutual decisions regarding stewardship can turbocharge a marriage—and communion can grow exponentially. At the same time, wounds surrounding money can undercut communion and leave both spouses at wit’s end.

So what are some effective ways to develop a healthy relationship with money in your domestic church? To answer this question, let’s go back to that moment after our recent breakfast—after dropping off our son and experiencing that wave of anxiety. Join us in employing these strategies with your spouse in the week ahead:

• Acknowledge financial stress and verbalize it. Many of us make the mistake of repressing stress. Instead, respect the stress. Take a deep breath. If possible, even visualize where the stress is located within your body (most likely it’s the chest, shoulders, or gut).

• Listen lovingly to your spouse if they express financial anxiety. This is integral to the “welcome-listen-serve” posture which we’ve shared with you in the past—by listening well, you love your spouse well.

• Identify the money wounds you each may have. Maybe this was growing up in a home with scarcity; or maybe your parents got divorced over financial issues; or maybe money was used to “buy” your love as a child, and it now evokes that longing for real connection. Once you’ve identified these issues, bring them repeatedly before the Lord in prayer, asking for continued healing.

• Be honest about relative gifts. Much of finances and budgeting is detail work. While both spouses need to be involved, let the spouse who is more detail-oriented take the lead. At the same time, he or she must acknowledge that being obsessive and controlling about money can make matters worse.

• Channel your energy constructively into your next family finances meeting. Venting, emoting, and processing: yes, these may be needed, but we should limit those forces and focus instead on taking constructive steps in regular budgeting meetings.

• Celebrate your small wins as a couple and as a family. Did you reach your savings target for the month? Did you save your impulsive near-purchase to consider at a future date?

• Teach your children the financial “101” tips you may wish you had as an adolescent or young adult.

This side of heaven, it’s unlikely that any of us will be completely healed of all our wounds. The friction of tough financial decisions will most likely continue to test us. But as followers of Jesus Christ, we are not called to merely “cope” with financial stress. Instead, we are called to thrive: to claim the peace and freedom that our Savior has won for us. In our families, as we reflect the “communion of persons” of the Most Holy Trinity, we are invited to healing…one minute, one hour, and one day at a time.